A Pennsylvania teen is accused of receiving stolen property in a very unique manner. Hanover Police allege that 18 year old Christopher Scheller managed to conceal four stolen bracelets, 11 stolen rings, a metal smoking device and synthetic marijuana in his rectum, which may every well defy everything physicians had known about human anatomy and physicists had known about the space time continuum.
On December 1, 2013, Hanover Police in York County responded to an accident scene, where Scheller had allegedly wrecked a vehicle owned by the people with whom he had been staying. Police suspected Scheller was intoxicated, so they followed the ambulance to York Hospital, where Scheller was taken for treatment. When York Hospital staff performed an X-ray, they discovered stolen booty hidden in Scheller’s booty, and informed the police. At first, Scheller tried to persuade hospital staff to leave the items in his rectum, but he eventually consented to their removal. In the name of judicial system comedy, why did he have to consent? The search warrant application seeking to search a rectum would have been quite a hilarious read for the magisterial district judge on duty that night.
Concealing items in the rectum is nothing new in the world of crime, but it is the sheer volume of items, which makes this story so amazing. It was literally a butt load. The ability to conceal so much treasure in one’s rectum sounds like a magical power a Dungeons and Dragon’s character could have. After all, the game is mostly played by adolescent boys.
Scheller is now charged with a host of offenses, including theft by unlawful taking, receiving stolen property, DUI, corruption of minors, recklessly endangering another person, possession of a controlled substance and possession of drug paraphernalia. News reports do not indicate the basis of the corruption of minors charge. One can only hope that Scheller did not enlist the assistance of a minor in secreting the stolen items.
To add insult to injury, the jewelry had allegedly been stolen from the same people who own the car, which Scheller wrecked. I can just imagine a police officer telling the victim of the jewelry heist, “well, the good news is we recovered all the stolen jewelry. The bad news is that a doctor had to fish it out of the rectum of the kid who was staying in your home and wrecked your car.” Yes, there has never been a more literal example of a thieving asshole.
Matt McClenahen is a criminal defense lawyer in State College, Pennsylvania, home of Penn State University.